Emotional Phantom

Friendship. This one word has a plethora of meaning, memories and magnificence attached to it.

I happened to lose mine…

Don’t worry, not in a way that it’s an actual obituary. Instead, in a way that the mind needs to be tricked.

What is a Phantom?

Ever wondered what happens to war heroes/survivors and to amputees when their mind tells them that the missing body part is strained, clutched, moving, feeling, etc.?

It’s called a Phantom. What really happens is, the neurons for that specific absent body part are still firing, and now the brain is receiving impulses which it has to believe is coming from there… but there’s no physical proof of that activity, as in, the eyes cannot see whether the amputated-hand is, say- clutched or moving. So now the brain gets no other sensory information from the absent hand.

The Mirror Box Therapy

Finally, there came a doctor who decided to use reflection from mirrors… Dr. V.S. Ramachandran invented a Mirror box for mirror therapy.

He put the arm with absent hand on one side of the box and the arm with real hand on the other side. In the middle was a mirror that reflected the actual hand. So now the person had to look at the reflection of the real hand and it seemed like he was looking at his left hand he placed behind the mirror!

He started to move the finger a bit… and then clenched his hand into a tight fist that worsened his pain in the left arm, as he already was feeling the pain of a clenched fist. Then he made it tighter on his right hand and he then let go. (An example of a person who had pain in his left arm since the amputation of his hand, it was stuck in a clutching action and he couldn’t relax the muscle because he couldn’t relax a phantom hand).

As soon as he did that, he could feel his left arm relax. Which was in pain since the amputation.

And just like that, the mind perceived the reflection as his own hand, the neurons stopped firing because the mind saw the phantom hand relax.

It was an amazing leap for science!

The Emotional Phantom

Now comes Emotional Phantom.

This phantom is not physically a part of me… but emotionally, it is.

What happens when the person we care for deeply and had a strong relationship with is gone to never return? Not in the sense that they’re dead, in the sense that they’re no longer who they are.

So the ties had to end, it had to cease as a relationship because what was once as familiar to you as the back of your hand, is now no longer the same. So the ‘hand’ is gone, the part of me that thought this is mine, is gone. And now there’s nothing in its place. Ergo, emotional phantom.

Finding Closure

What do I do with an emotional phantom is an excellent question right now.

How do I ‘trick’ my brain into believing that the absence is okay, it exists and I will survive?

Right now, all I can think of is its absence really. I have all these memories of that phantom, and when I’m in situations when I could use the part or look at it for assurance or just share my feelings with, I end up feeling its absence instead.

I feel like it should’ve been here, and now it’s not… so I start reminding myself and thereby grounding myself to the present. A present where the phantom haunts me… and I allow it to… maybe I enjoy being reminded… or comforted by this idea that I once had this individual - my best friend. Even though now I don’t have the person.

‘Be that as it may’, I tell to myself. It’s time to seek closure, that the hand now does not exist.

Channeling the Energy

My feelings may be of question here. But emotions are energy… and as valid as mine are, they cannot be channeled appropriately yet. So now I have made peace with the memories but the emotions have no where to go.

Turns out, I can channel them to me… it’s my phantom after all!

And it goes to show how dear the relationship was… how much it meant to me… the friendship that I no longer have. The friend I’ve lost and the phantom that reminds me every now and then that that person was the best friend I ever had indeed.

Becoming Your Own Best Friend

So now I’m off, trying to collect my thoughts and bury the memories that only remind me of what I don’t have.

It’s rather of great importance to look at the friendships I do have, the ones I possess… especially the one I have with myself… so here you are, my phantom; I’m right here and you can see that I’m going to watch over myself… I’m listening, watching, understanding myself every step of the way… so don’t worry, I’m the Best friend you shall always have.

I’m right here and as much as it hurts to release the old friend… it shows that you can let go and in return gain yourself. The self deserves to heal… deserves a friend that is actually here and so now, as I think of my real friend in me… I’m assured that I don’t have to let go, I am aware of my phantom friend and they can stay until they feel like going.

I am my best friend. Always and forever.